Some days, brighter thoughts cross my head. Not all is always dark in my inner reaches, even if there's no match to outter Space's gloom. Safe for a couple of stars that shine bright enough to remind us we're not yet condemned to infinite void, we've been navigating a fireless sky for as far as I can remember now.
We've been in darkness for a long long while, almost total darkness, but I'm alive and burning like an incendiary advent candle gone mad and spread over the whole crisp pine wreath. I'm am burning burning burning with the thought that new, overwhelming, almost indigestable brighter days are to come. It doesn't get blacker than black. How empty of hope can you get? Only so empty. There's always a fire lit somewhere, if not where you are.
I should know better than take things for granted, of course, and that there's a fire somewhere doesn't mean I'll ever be able to pilot this Ship there within the timeframe of my own life. We're rotting in our stagnation, Marcus and myself.
But what to do? Each hint of light in the endless spacial horizon is an exaltation to the motionlessness of our dimming hope, and am I to blame if I still believe the next light can be the last I ever see in front of me, before I step into it and I'm just surrounded by the blissful bath of rebirth, and never again have to seek for that burning candle in the dark, because there will be dark no more?
Yes, I should know better, but that doesn't mean I know better, so when a light shows up, I light up myself, and call Marcus and debit my overbearing enthusiasm, and I believe it all over again. He, as expected, won't do more than nod and say "Indeed, a light, Sir", and return to his little room after a short bow, because he believes no more in salvation but I, I revolve, I burn and burn with the hope that this is finally it.
I push the handle even further, I force the engines, I stretch this Ship forward, until...
Well.
Some days, brighter thoughts cross my head, be it amidst total darkness or faced with the hint of a new light. Today, in darkness, I know that as far as I'm able to pilot this bloody thing, I'll do it, and I will find a goddamn way back to Earth or any liveable environment, and if I don't, then I'll die trying, until the very end convinced that I'll manage to find my path.
3 comments:
We all want to believe there will be dark no more, perhaps some believing more achingly than others and I know for a fact, someday you'll never have to seek anymore. You will find what you need. And when that day comes, I pray you'll come back to Earth and see that it offers you what Space cannot and more.
Love,
Aurora.
An unsatisfied person is always seeking. What? Not quite sure. Something big enough to stop wanting more, or different. In the end, he seeks the day he stops seeking. That’s what an unsatisfied truly seeks.
This being said, Space or Earth are not physical places. It’s not an home country or the other side of the world. "Space" is just where unsatisfied people live, where they are at the moment.
Earth is where they want to arrive. Earth can be in Europe, America, South Asia, the moon. Maybe next ao Aurora, maybe.
The suffering comes from the pain of having not yet found it. In the meanwhile you are generally just fine because there is a lot that’s new and good and cool and you're living stuff, creating memories and histories, but sometimes, some certain moments that somehow end up being always there, you suffer like hell. Agony, anguish, anxiety, whatever. It’s when you realize you’re still seeking. And when the greatest fear of the unsatisfied shows up: the slightly chance of having missed it somewhere in the way, the Earth. Was that Earth and I couldn’t see it? If so, will I be in space forever? Or i'll find it again? or it wasn't earth at all? Oh the pain. And then the hope.
But the truly interior war is that you not only enjoy seeking (because of all that comes with it) you also like the suffering of realizing you´re still seeking and the fear of having missed it. And you like it due to their outputs (a good text, for example).
What can an unsatisfied find so that he no longer needs to seeks? Love? The soul mate? A project of a life time? Both? Or you just wake up one day feeling different? Maturity? Who knows.
As I see it, it’s easier to be in space in the other side of the world. Maybe you’re in space because you’re far from home. Maybe that’s it, you can take that off your shoulders. When you come back Earth is waiting. But when you’re in space even in your home country, that’s when you definitely know, there are no more doubts: I’m in space. It’s not what I miss, it’s what I lack. And thats why some people prefer home. they know their problems will follow them where they go. at least in home they re next to the ones that matter (but are unfortunatly not enough)
Im not writing about you, but about me. Just sharing my thoughts.
That was beautiful, to be able to put what you know about yourself down in words; to be able to verbalize your thoughts in a perspective, unique to yourself - something I know I often struggle to do.
Thank you for sharing, I feel an odd sense of comfort relating to your thoughts, however limited my understanding may be. x
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